Today's Joke

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

Brilliant, OC

Good one o.c.

Puts a whole new slant on the term wedding tackle! :geek:

Children what would we do without them bless'em.

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU ARE EVEN REMOTELY FAMILIAR WITH HOLY SCRIPTURE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A ROMAN CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS REMAINED.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN
THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT
ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE
OPPOSSUMS WAS ST.MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE . THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.














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http://www.funny-videos.co.uk/videowackytrafficsignsinamerica.html

So what's she smiling about?

stoupaduck wrote:So what's she smiling about?

That was quite exhausting trying to find the answer.

Oh, now I get it! Thanks, Ian

Saw my mate outside the Doctors today looking really worried,
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C."he said.
"What cancer?"
"No, Dyslexia."

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife was really furious regarding his absence!

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?".....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said,

"That would suit me just fine!!"
.
.
.

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye .

:lol!: Wonderful!

A Man dies and goes to hell.


There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.


He goes to the Australian hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Australian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."


The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the American hell, as well as the British hell & many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the Australian hell.


Then he comes to the Greek hell and finds that there is a long line of people of all nationalities waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour, and then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Greek devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day. "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells. Why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

The answer comes back: "Because the maintenance crew is always on strike, there is no electricity so the electric chair doesn't work. Albanians have stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government employee, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to have his kafedhaki (little coffee) and eat koulourakia (cookies) all day..."

Yes, good one

Golf Joke

Padraig Harrington drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of Ireland.
The pump attendant, obviously knowing nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is, "Top of the morning to ye sir."
Padraig nods a quick hello, bends forward to undo the filler cap, and two tees fall out of his shirt pocket.
"What are those?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Padraig.
"And what will they be for?"
"Well they're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Padraig.
"Fek me!" says the attendant, BMW thinks of everything.

Nice one Ian

:YES:

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of Marks & Spencer’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,

"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.”
"What type of bra?" asked the Assistant.

" Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable!


"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.”
Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The Assistant replied:
"There are the Catholic,
The Salvation Army,
The Presbyterian,
And the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Assistant responded,
"It is all really quite simple. ...
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills"