Men Vs Women

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper;
'Please wake me at 5.00 am'
He left it where he knew she would find it.
the next morning he woke up, only to discover it was 9.00 am, and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
On the paper was written ' it is 5.00 am,WAKE UP!!!

I'm afraid men aren't equipped for these kind of contests
:joker: :joker:

Excellent Ian

Ian I wrote:

I'm afraid men aren't equipped for these kind of contests
:joker: :joker:

True!

Well as a woman if you can't win with brawn you have to find another way.

KIDDER!

You wouldn't really, would you

That's not funny

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.

Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked,

"Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied "Yes sir I did."

The robber then shot him, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him, and asked the man.

"Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied "No sir I didn't." pointed to the woman with him, and said "But my Mother in Law here did."

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
As Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even
Though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they
Want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
Cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
Answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite
Foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

I feel quite flattered about all that. Shows that women will come out on top no matter what.

Marg wrote: women will come out on top no matter what.

What consenting adults do in privacy...................................

You'll never know.

A little lad goes up to his Mother and asks her,

"Mum, where do we come from?"

"Well" his Mum replies, " In the beginning there were Adam and Eve, They got married, had children, and that was the beginning of mankind."

A bit later the little lad goes up to his Dad, and asks him the same question." Thats quite easy Son" says Dad, " We're all descended from Monkeys."

Puzzled, the little lad goes back to his Mum, and says "Mum I can't understand it, "You say we come from this Man and Woman, and Dad says we come from monkeys."

His Mum replies " Ah sorry about that, I was referring to my side of the family, but your Dad was referring to his side."

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane
crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'


The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins.



We could have been here ten years ago!'