Limericks

I left my new `phone on the train
So I could not call my friend Jane
She was really offended

I slipped on a wet patch of leaves
As I walked my dog, he's called Jeeves
I twisted my ankle
_______________

I left my new `phone on the train
So I could not call my friend Jane
She was really offended
But I could have pretended

I slipped on a wet patch of leaves
As I walked my dog, he`s called Jeeves
I twisted my ankle
Which didn`t half wrankle

I left my new `phone on the train
So I could not call my friend Jane
She was really offended
But I could have pretended
I wasn't to blame!!

I slipped on a wet patch of leaves
As I walked my dog, he`s called Jeeves
I twisted my ankle
Which didn`t half wrankle
Just shows how a wet patch deceives


How fed up I am of football



Sometimes I crave for an ice cream

How fed up I am of football
But I have a big flag in my hall

Sometimes I crave for an ice cream
Of chocolate flakes I do dream!
____________________________

 

How fed up I am of football
But I have a big flag in my hall
And a picture of Rooney

Sometimes I crave for an ice cream
Of chocolate flakes I do dream !
With sprinkles on top

How fed up I am of football
But I have a big flag in my hall
And a picture of Rooney
Ain't I the loony

Sometimes I crave for an ice cream
Of chocolate flakes I do dream !
With sprinkles on top
Of this I must stop

How fed up I am with football
But I have a big flag in my hall
And a picture of Rooney
Ain`t I the looney
`cos in this World Cup he`s done b****r all


The Optician said I was short-sighted


Sometimes I crave for an ice cream
Of chocolate flakes I do dream
With sprinkles on top
Of this I must stop
Or my waistband will definitely scream

The wasp landed right on my nose

The Optician said I was short-sighted
So I wasn't exactly delighted

The wasp landed right on my nose
As, in the shade, I was having a doze
_______________________

 

The Optician said I was short-sighted
So I wasn't exactly delighted
I failed the eye test

The wasp landed right on my nose
As, in the shade, I was having a doze
It delivered a sting

The Optician said I was short-sighted
So I wasn't exactly delighted
I failed the eye test
But I did do my best

The wasp landed right on my nose
As, in the shade, I was having a doze
It delivered a sting
Then was off "on the wing"
_____________________

 

The Optician said I was short-sighted
So I wasn`t exactly delighted
I failed the eye test
But I did do my best
To pretend that I wasn`t beknighted

I`m scared of thunder and lightning


The wasp landed right on my nose
As, in the shade, I was having a doze
It delivered a sting
The was"off on the wing "
To assault someone else, I suppose

The cat dug a hole in my lawn

I`m scared of thunder and lightning
And hate a tornado sighting

The cat dug a hole in my lawn
Then walked off and gave me a yawn
______________________________

I`m scared of thunder and lightning
And hate a tornado sighting
But give me some snow


The cat dug a hole in my lawn
Then walked off and gave me a yawn
But what it left behind

I`m scared of thunder and lightning
And hate a tornado sighting
But give me some snow
I'm all set to go

The cat dug a hole in my lawn
Then walked off and gave me a yawn
But what it left behind
I never did find
_______________

 

I`m scared of thunder and lightning
And hate a tornado sighting
But give me some snow
I'm all set to go
And up for some snowball fighting

The cat dug a hole in my lawn
Then walked off and gave me a yawn
But what it left behind
I never did find
I will probably step on it one dawn!!


I love my first cuppa of the morning


The weeds in my garden are voracious

I love my first cuppa of the morning
Just as the daylight is dawning

The weeds in my garden are voracious
Even though the area is spacious

I love my first cuppa of the morning
Just as the daylight is dawning
But I hate being woken

The weeds in my garden are voracious
Even though the area is spacious
I hit them with killer

I love my first cuppa of the morning
Just as the daylight is dawning
But I hate being woken
So my alarm clock is broken

The weeds in my garden are voracious
Even though the area is spacious
I hit them with killer
And plough with a Tiller

love my first cuppa of the morning
Just as the daylight is dawning
But I hate being woken
So my alarm clock is broken
So I rarely wake up yawning

The weeds in my garden are voracious
Even though the area is spacious
I hit them with killer
And plough with a Tiller
And the resulting space is capacious!!


My cat is a right little madam


They say the streets of London are paved with gold

My cat is a right little madam
Her nickname happens to be Saddam

They say the streets of London are paved with gold
I can`t remember, I`m not that old

My cat is a right little madam
Her nickname happens to be Saddam
She sleeps most of the day

They say the streets of London are paved with gold
I can`t remember, I`m not that old
But all I ever saw was litter

My cat is a right little madam
Her nickname happens to be Saddam
She sleeps most of the day
Always gets her own way

They say the streets of London are paved with gold
I can`t remember, I`m not that old
But all I ever saw was litter
And as Frankie said " Ooh no missus, don`t titter "

My cat is a right little madam
Her nickname happens to be Saddam
She sleeps most of the day
Always gets her own way
And teases the Airedale called Adam!

They say the streets of London are paved with gold
I can`t remember, I`m not that old
But all I ever saw was litter
And as Frankie said " Ooh no missus, don`t titter "
And onto your rubbish please hold!

Adam the Airedale snores loudly

Recycling your rubbish is fun
_________________________

 

Adam the Airedale snores loudly
Whilst his owner looks on very proudly


Recycling your rubbish is fun
But can sometimes be overdone

Adam the Airedale snores loudly
Whilst his owner looks on very proudly
The dog won first prize

Recycling your rubbish is fun
But can sometimes be overdone
Just do what you can
__________________