Limericks

But as soon as it entered his mouth
He knew it was produce from Louth

After that he was feeling much better
So he ate a Greek salad with Feta

But as soon as it entered his mouth
He knew it was produce from Louth
For it tasted quite sour
For more than an hour!!


After that he was feeling much better
So he ate a Greek salad with Feta
And some chips on the side
No retsina, he sighed

But as soon as it entered his mouth
He knew it was produce from Louth
For it tasted quite sour
For more than an hour!!
Which was when a wind blew in from the south....

........He forgot the bad taste and limped home

After that he was feeling much better
So he ate a Greek salad with Feta
And some chips on the side
No retsina, he sighed
But then saw on the mat a strange letter.

A red envelope with stamps from abroad  
______________________

 

He forgot the bad taste and limped home
Where he spotted a new garden gnome
With a rod in it`s hand

A red envelope with stamps from abroad
And the writing thereon struck a chord
He said "it`s from Mother "

He forgot the bad taste and limped home
Where he spotted a new garden gnome
With a rod in its hand
And its head in the sand

A red envelope with stamps from abroad
And the writing thereon struck a chord
He said "it`s from Mother "
On hols - yet another!
_________________

 

He forgot the bad taste and limped home
Where he spotted a new garden gnome
With a rod in its hand
And its head in the sand
Or was it just buried in loam ?


There once was a lady called Mable



A red envelope with stamps from abroad
And the writing thereon struck a chord
He said "It`s from Mother "
On hols-yet another
She`s on an 18-20- Oh Gawd !

The `phone rang twice in the night

There once was a lady called Mable
Who often slept on the kitchen table


The `phone rang twice in the night
The awakening was such a fright

There once was a lady called Mabel
Who often slept on the kitchen table
She laid on a fork

The `phone rang twice in the night
The awakening was such a fright
I stumbled downstairs

There once was a lady called Mabel
Who often slept on the kitchen table
She laid on a fork
Then rolled on a cork

The `phone rang twice in the night
The awakening was such a fright
I stumbled downstairs
Gave the phone fierce glares

There once was a lady called Mabel
Who often slept on the kitchen table
She laid on a fork
Then rolled on a cork
And walked like she`d just left the stable

You`re never alone with a Strand


The `phone rang twice in the night
The awakening was such a fright
I stumbled downstairs
Gave the `phone fierce glares
And drank 3 bottles of Bud Lite

I ordered a Drambuie shandy

You`re never alone with a Strand
But it's years since I gave up that brand


I ordered a Drambuie shandy
They'd sold out of my favourite brandy
________________

 

You`re never alone with a Strand
But it`s years since I gave up that brand
I now smoke a pipe


I ordered a Drambuie shandy
They`d sold out of my favourite brandy
So I downed it in one

You`re never alone with a Strand
But it`s years since I gave up that brand
I now smoke a pipe
Adorned with a stripe


I ordered a Drambuie shandy
They`d sold out of my favourite brandy
So I downed it in one
Oh what have I done?

You`re never alone with a Strand
But it`s years since I gave up that brand
I now smoke a pipe
Adorned with a stripe
But now even that`s been banned

I stopped as the clock struck thirteen


I ordered a Drambuie shandy
They`d sold out of my favourite brandy
So I downed it in one
Oh what have I done ?
Never mind though, I feel just dandy


As I leapt over a barbed wire fence

I stopped as the clock struck thirteen
T`was the weirdest thing I`ve ever seen
It was totally Orwellian

As I leapt over a barbed wire fence
Mother shouted "You should have more sense "
You`ll ruin your chances

I stopped as the clock struck thirteen
T`was the weirdest thing I`ve ever seen
It was totally Orwellian
And quite Machiavellian
Since Methusulah was a teen

I watched a rude film with a friend

As I leapt over a barbed wire fence
Mother shouted " You should have more sense "
You`ll ruin your chances
Of making advances
And girls will be in the past tense

The doctor said " I`ve got bad news "

I watched a rude film with a friend
I've seen it before, to the end

The doctor said " I`ve got bad news "
As he spoke he surveyed the long queues
_________________

 

I watched a rude film with a friend
I`ve seen it before to the end
So I took a cold shower


The doctor said " I`ve got bad news "
As he spoke he surveyed the long queues
"Go take off your clothes "

I watched a rude film with a friend
I`ve seen it before to the end
So I took a cold shower
And within an hour
I noticed nothing that would actually offend


The snow lay thick on the grass


The doctor said " I`ve got bad news "
As he spoke he surveyed the long queues
Go take off your clothes
Then stand on tiptoes
It`s the only way to use NHS loos


I watched as the boat pulled away