Timely warnings!

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Timely warnings!

Post by feathers on Sun Feb 02, 2014 4:52 pm

This arrived in my email inbox not long ago.    I'm dedicating it to all of you who like to forward emails to groups of friends.........needless to say, I NEVER do it!

   
   As we progress into 2014, I want to thank you for
   your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
   totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery... because,

   I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
   a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
   my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
   the lemon peel.

   I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
   only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

   I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
   driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
   is picking one's nose.

   Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
   can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
   consumed over the years.

   I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed
   it on the floor of a public toilet.

   I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
   in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
   sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

   ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
   the same reason.

   I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up
   in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

   I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
   mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

   I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
   like a water buffalo on a hot day.

   Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
   if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
   within five minutes.

   Because of your concern,I no longer drink Coca Cola because
   it can remove toilet stains.

   I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
   so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

   I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
   seven different types of cancer.

   And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
   in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
   disfiguring me for life.

   I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
   needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

   I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug
   me with a perfume sample and rob me..

   And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
   me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
   calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

   Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
   big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
   instant death when it bites my butt.

   And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
   dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
   placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

   I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
   by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

   If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
   the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land
   on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
   fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
   to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
   actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's
   ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
   beautician!

   Oh, and by the way...
   A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
   has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
   read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

   Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

   P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
   I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out
   of the toilet..

   NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

 Laughing

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feathers
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Re: Timely warnings!

Post by Weneki32 on Mon Feb 10, 2014 5:19 pm

Oh dear me....... I don't know wether to laugh or cry!   
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Re: Timely warnings!

Post by VickyS on Mon Feb 10, 2014 10:29 pm

 

...but I do worry about one or two of those things! Shocked 

VickyS
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